scariestj

Well once again I prove that I sort of suck at keeping my new years resolution but better late than never. The truth is, I am struggling right now. The state of the world aside, it's not even my work right now even though I am adrift in a sea of deadlines.
It's that I am in my mid 40's and what is depressingly common is that I am not sure about whether I will still be employed this time next year. That's right, not even having won a fellowship and a couple of other bids and somehow having some degree of seniority in one's field does not mean you have anything resembling job security. Why some people think that this is an acceptable way to treat researchers is beyond me.
I can assure you, having me spend a good 30 - 40% of my working time looking for bids, researching for bids on the off-chance I might be eligible given that I've aged out of Early Careers but no permanent position, which is so much fun since there is nothing quite like a funding kaiso trap.
There are fewer more tedious things than hearing about how your field of research is so important and then see that talk is cheap but actual funding is expensive.
As for motivation = a big fat NO. I still can lock in when I'm in the zone but there is nothing quite like the creeping feeling of apathy when you see nothing but uncertainty nevermind the absurdity of research on long-term infrastructure projects that somehow you are supposed to do in 6 month - 2 year increments. There is nothing quite like the feeling of being a fraudster when doing outreach about how awesome a life is in science when all you see is a cliff edge.
Rant over for now - I hope other people have more luck and some of that is contagious.

Considering last year I posted 0 times in a year, I've done better this time.
Well there have been some triumphs against the background of a mad world but one that is waking up.
I wonder whom else is here and how has this year been for you?
I will read all your comments and respond, I promise.
Have won a bid, got more papers, as an academic that is important but still no stability. You'd have thought at this stage it might have happened by now but no, not yet. I can still be unemployed.
Now to think of other things and not procrastinate over failing to write Christmas cards.

Here I am, I'm trying to cut down on doomscrolling and taking my own advice to write and to create both for my own needs and perhaps for anyone else who is reading this.

I do appreciate you all who are on here that do although there has hardly been anything that I have added since then.

So this will be a place where I will post some creative writing I have in mind. I look forward to seeing yours.

Since Saturday graced us with the Sun in the sky I realize how much I have missed being outdoors even if I had to snatch the time between squalls.

This year my plans are: Tomatoes, garlic, chillies - including the overwintered peppers from last year. For the first time I'm going to attempt brocolli - we eat enough of it.

Just one problem - a bit less rain to keep the garden from looking like a swamp.
But the garden is waking up.

An opportunity for an expensive day off and another step in my (very) long term plan to have a fractal bodysuit. This is a piece to link between the top of my ribs and what will eventually be on my hips. It's in outline with some blackwork since attempting to do colour would have been rather dumb in terms of overworking the skin. That and we need to figure out how to finish the top and bottom.
Here is the work in progress:




Not sure if this will link

I can tell the year has started by the 3 deadlines that finish this week. It's one way to get papers out in a timely fashion. Not to mention all the meetings. But that is the nature of research - nothing gets done if people don't talk to each other but then there is the rub- difficult to get things done when you are in meetings.
Still at least a purpose to cold, dark winter weather is that I'm not missing out being glued to my desk!